We started with what mindfulness and self-compassion are, then explored what it is not and what blocks us from acting in self-compassionate ways. We then re-Mmebered our Innate Goodness. So, HOW do we do this?
How do we act self-compassionately towards ourselves?
How do you offer yourself this self-compassion?
Here is a curated list of ways to offer yourself Self-Compassion:
- Embodied practices (some offered in the blog)
- Positive affirmations / Mantras
- Literal acts each day (Even small, like brushing your teeth!)
- Saying Yes/No/Maybe
- Creating Healthful Boundaries
- Being Mindful of our Limiting Beliefs
- Religious Practices
- Rituals (daily, seasonally, for specific reasons, etc.)
And today, I give you one new meditation other than your anchor (the breath) and RAIN(Recognize/Allow/Investigate/Nurture), called METTA. I will also offer some new somatic expressions to practice for self-compassion.
So, what is metta? It’s different from what you might expect. ‘Meta’ can be seen as a vast view, like a bird’s eye view or a “meta view”. Think of it as macro versus micro. However, I am talking M E T T A today… not Facebook, now called ‘meta’, lol, but metta…
Metta, a word with deep roots in Sanskrit, an ancient Indian language, is a big deal in different spiritual traditions. Its meaning is about unconditional love, kindness, and compassion. Buddhist also use it in their language of Pali.
“Metta transcends cultural and linguistic boundaries, representing a universal aspiration for harmony and well-being. In Sanskrit, it is derived from the root word “mitra,” which means “friend” or “ally.” This etymology underscores the notion that Metta extends beyond mere affection or fondness, encompassing a deep-seated sense of camaraderie, empathy, and support.”-Multiple Sources, paraphrased
How beautiful when applied in our series with self-compassion!
“As Buddhist teacher Melvin Escobar writes in his teaching on metta meditation, the practice of metta can be compared to lifting weights:
If we begin with a weight that’s too heavy for us, we might end up hurt, or give up. “Likewise,” writes Escobar, “we can harm ourselves by trying to practice metta with a very difficult person [in mind], if we haven’t developed the capacity to work with the aversion and despair that may arise.”
-Lion’s Roar article again
\What a great example of why starting with someone you love could also be easier than even starting with yourself if you have difficulty with self-compassion. Its like the warm up, and the training, that finally gets you to further goals in the weight training. Or like warming up a car; in the depths of winter it is best to let the car run for a few minutes so the engine warms up before driving off (maybe shovel the drive too, “clearing the path” for self-compassion!)!
And so, the fourth part of the five parts to the metta meditation, we aim to send loving kindness to individuals we struggle with or have friction with. This is crucial because it allows us to reach a point where we can be the best version of ourselves. This can cause difficulty in this practice though; it can bring up the harsh emotions, or remind us of the suffering in the world. And so…
You can start with people you love, who offer you support and kindness, making it easier to cultivate this practice. Additionally, you extend loving kindness to neutral individuals, like a checkout person at a grocery store or a gas attendant. An informal practice you can do off the cushion, one of metta, would be to simply offer a smile or a silent wish of well-being, such as “may you be well, may you be protected, may you be happy.”
**This is that shared humanity element from Kristin Neff’s research and writings we have learned in our time together. So, we keep warming ourselves up to be able to offer this to others we dislike and also to ourselves!
As a prayer, metta offers an authentic experience of our interconnectedness.
Metta is a concentration practice to cultivate unconditional goodwill for all. It is practiced by reciting and contemplating a series of aspirations or prayers that express your goodwill and unstoppable friendliness toward yourself and others. With each recitation, you expand the scope of your loving-kindness—from yourself, to those close to you, to those for whom you feel antipathy, and finally to all sentient beings.”
-Melvin Escobar, Lion’s Roar article HERE
The beauty of Metta lies in its simplicity yet profound impact.
It reminds us that love and kindness are not exclusive to a chosen few but are inherent qualities that can be nurtured and shared with the entire world. By embracing Metta, we open ourselves up to a world where compassion, understanding, and unity prevail, creating a more harmonious and peaceful existence for all.
Metta, or loving kindness, encompasses various meanings, including unconditional love. However, I prefer to use this fundamental definition using the phrase “unconditional kindness.” I have friends who do not resonate with the term “love” for various reasons. Some people cannot connect to the concept of unconditional love for many different reasons, including traumas. Thus, I choose kindness most times, or alongside love, so as many people as possible can connect in their own way to metta.
In the practice of metta, you might experience moments of hesitation, uncertainty, or shakiness for some of these same reasons and many others. This is natural, regardless of your relationship with the concept of love, unconditional love, or kindness.
*And yet, metta does embrace every person and every being, even those we may not like, agree with, or resonate with, as well as ourselves. Reference my blog here on blockages to self-compassion.
Metta as a meditation practice is to send this unconditional kindness using short, repetitive phrases, to yourself, then to someone you love, next to someone who is neutral, then to someone you have difficulty with, and then to all beings.
In my understanding and felt experience, metta is the energy of the universe, which can also be referred to as life or Providence. It is a force that can hold and embrace everything, regardless of our personal preferences or beliefs.
“As Buddhist teacher Melvin Escobar writes in his teaching on metta meditation, the practice of metta can be compared to lifting weights: If we begin with a weight that’s too heavy for us, we might end up hurt, or give up. “Likewise,” writes Escobar, “we can harm ourselves by trying to practice metta with a very difficult person [in mind], if we haven’t developed the capacity to work with the aversion and despair that may arise.”
-Lion’s Roar article again
What a great example of why starting with someone you love could also be easier than even starting with yourself if you have difficulty with self-compassion. Its like the warm up, and the training, that finally gets you to further goals in the weight training. Or like warming up a car; in the depths of winter it is best to let the car run for a few minutes so the engine warms up before driving off (maybe shovel the drive too, “clearing the path” for self-compassion!)!
And so, the fourth part of the five parts to the metta meditation, we aim to send loving kindness to individuals we struggle with or have friction with.
This is crucial because it allows us to reach a point where we can be the best version of ourselves. This can cause difficulty in this practice though; it can bring up the harsh emotions, or remind us of the suffering in the world. And so…
You can start with people you love, who offer you support and kindness, making it easier to cultivate this practice. Additionally, you extend loving kindness to neutral individuals, like a checkout person at a grocery store or a gas attendant. An informal practice you can do off the cushion, one of metta, would be to simply offer a smile or a silent wish of well-being, such as “may you be well, may you be protected, may you be happy.”
**This is that shared humanity element from Kristin Neff’s research and writings we have learned in our time together. So, we keep warming ourselves up to be able to offer this to others we dislike and also to ourselves!
One common difficulty many people face is in fact, offering metta to themselves. How can we extend kindness to ourselves in this process? This is where compassion comes in. This is why I placed this class last!
Let me offer a remedy to start with; if it’s difficult to offer metta to yourself, keep repeating the words and let them sink in as best you can, even if it doesn’t happen immediately.
Continue practicing because the intention behind metta is good; make your own intention supportive, non-judging, and kind as well. The purpose is to set a positive intention, even if it’s for something we may not like, or an aspect of ourselves or the world we wish to change. We might not agree with everything or like everything or everyone, but the intention to create kindness is there.
Again, Melvin Escobar:
“Most people agree that we should not lie to others or hate them. Metta practice can help us see how we lie to and feel hatred toward ourselves. Sharon Salzberg, meditation teacher and author of the seminal book, Lovingkindness, asked the Dalai Lama, “What do you think about self-hatred?” Confounded by her question, he replied, “Self-hatred? What is that?”
The self-hatred experienced by many in the West is actually a product of internalized oppression.
The systems of oppression that bell hooks has called “imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy” teach us that we are never enough, that we must constantly strive to be worthy of happiness. Phrases like, “May I love myself as I am” and “May I be happy and know the true causes of happiness” help us see through the deception.”
Remember all those blockages and misconceptions of self-compassion? WELL, METTA can help to eradicate them, to soften them, to shift and unstuck them! 😉
And, re-Member!……..You are a part of the Infinite! Of All THings!….AND….This is experienced in the last cycle of the meditation, when we use the “WE” term, so that we do not forget ourselves within the whole of humanity!
And Re-Member, metta is not a reward! You do not need to DO anything to deserve to receive it!
From last week:
This is how we re-Member that we are already, and have ALWAYS been, a Member in the beautiful flow of life… and that we do not need a membership pass, we don’t need to pay any kind of dues, and we are never expected to meet certain requirements to be a member, YOU ARE A MEMBER IN THE VAST GOODNESS OF LIFE, NO MATTER WHAT! So, re-Member yourself through self-compassion.
Not only do you NOT need a membership, SUPPLIES DON’T RUN OUT!
“Because in our lives we manage finite resources, making hopefully intelligent fiscal choices, we may approach sending out loving-kindness in the same way, as if it is a finite resource we need to manage. This is an obstacle! When we think loving-kindness is finite, we mete it out in careful doses, perhaps only to those whom we care deeply about, those we see as having the greatest need or those we deem the most deserving.
“It’s so important to realize that metta is not a limited resource.”
-Stephanie Noble blog
Try this somatic experience now:
First, make a fist and bring it in front of your belly button.
Keep it clinched.
Then, open your opposite hand out to the side for a moment. Notice both.
Now, slowly cup the fist with your opened hand and observe your own experience.
*So many people have such different experiences. NONE is wrong, it’s just your experience.
For example, when I first experienced this, I realized that it is easier for me to sustain an open hand rather than a fist. This was a deep insight that showed me being hard, tight, isolated, resentful, and fearful, was a much harder and exhausting emotional space to stay in than openness, honesty, vulnerability, kindness, and love.
And you can do this at any time; add a physical piece to your self-compassion practice. Hold your heart, hold your own hand, or place a hand over your cheek with love.
John Aske, an Englishmen and writer for “Buddhism Now”, an online Buddhist magazine, told his story for the positive effects of metta meditation on a retreat with Buddhist teachers at a center in the UK:
“We were instructed to compile a list of all the little things for which we felt affection and regard. ‘This may be hard,’ he told us. It was, for me at least. It took me two days to present him with a comparatively simple list without feeling a little embarrassed, like a bank manager being forced to confess he still sleeps with his teddy. But at last it was done. How strange that it should have been so difficult. All my list had on it were things like ‘summer evenings in the woods, kittens playing, the river on a spring morning’, and so on. Such innocent things that I wonder they should have been so difficult to put down: perhaps because they were so personal and private, and the English are a very private people, if nothing else. I showed him my list and was told to go away and run all those things through my mind all day, and add to the list if I wished.
‘How’s it going?’ he asked me later. ‘A slight feeling of gold,’ I said. ‘Good, it’s going well.’
Then we had to reflect that all the feelings and memories were already in our minds — part of them. And that the warmth and emotion they evoked were already present and did not need to be brought in from outside. They were already in us.
It was hard work, but never anything but natural. There was no being appalled or cringing before unacceptable emotional demands. I never forgot the lesson, or the skill of the teacher. For me it will always be one of the best examples of upaya — skill in means. …It was years later that I ran across the words of a Greek philosopher, who said, ‘It is very hard to love ourselves. We should start simply with a cloud or a stone.’-Buddhism Now article by John Aske HERE
As you engage with The Metta Meditation below, you invoke protection, support, happiness, and joy. These are crucial elements that can transform our lives. When One experiences joy, ease, peace, and happiness, it changes One positively. I often find myself becoming a better mother/friend/partner, more patient, and having more bandwidth. It’s as if I’m in the flow, and I know I am a part of the flow and the flow is in me. That flow of “unshakeable friendliness” / kindness. Imagine a world where we were ALL in that flow, and practicing being in that flow?!
SO, LET’S PRACTICE NOW!
*Remember you can make it your own. Intention is key. Remember your anchor if needed.
*Make the phrases your own. These are the phrases I use currently. You will come across many others.
*Use just one part of the meditation at first, such as sending metta to a friend or a beloved, if sending it to yourself and/or sending it to someone you are having difficulty with is too much at first.
*Work your way up to including all the 5 aspects of the practice.
*you will notice I choose not to start with self. This is intentional to warm us up to sending metta to ourselves.
*Say each section anywhere from 8-10 times before moving onto the next section.
*Go slow! Settle first, relax in your body, and breathe before you begin.
SOMEONE YOU LOVE/LIKE:
“May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be free from pain and suffering.
May you know peace.”
YOUR SELF:
“May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I be free from pain and suffering.
May I know peace.”
SOMEONE YOU DON’T KNOW/ NEUTRAL:
“May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be free from pain and suffering.
May you know peace.”
SOMEONE YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY WITH:
“May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be free from pain and suffering.
May you know peace.”
FOR ALL BEINGS:
“May we be happy.
May we be healthy.
May we be free from pain and suffering.
May we know peace.”
Thank you
I would love to hear from you!
Much Metta
Shawna
Breathe and Believe